Tonight, Bitchy Teresa and myself performed a joint review of the new TNT cop-drama, Rizzoli and Isles, based off the series of books by Tess Gerritsen. This show stars Angie Harmon as Detective Jane Rizzoli, a homicide detective who is still making her way in the boy's club of police work; and Sasha Alexander, as Dr. Maura Isles, a medical examiner with a killer sense of style and Rizzoli's best friend. Guess what these two do? If you guess solve crimes using a combination of law enforcement, science and snark... well, then you have totally seen this show before.

This week's premiere itself was pretty straightforward: Detective Rizzoli and Dr. Isles team up to solve a string of serial killings that look eerily similar to those of a serial killer whom Rizzoli helped put in prison. When the serial killer escapes, it is up to Rizzoli and Isles to find him AND his partner--before Rizzoli becomes the next victim. (I should write tag lines for networks...)

Now, you DO have to suspend belief in the realities of law enforcement for some scenes in this show-- like, say, wearing sky-high "hooker heels" (Teresa's words) to a crime scene, or eating donuts in the autopsy room. And hopefully in other episodes the writers won't try to stack so much story-telling into one hour. The ending was a little too quickly and unrealistically done (they really ran out of time)... these are minor quibbles, though. The major bitch that Teresa and I both have about this show is its utter lack of originality.

Let's be honest here at the Warrior: This show stole from almost every cop show and movie known to man. If you name a cop show or movie thriller from the past 20 years, I bet you would find some remnant of it here. If it weren't based off books in the first place, this show could have been called SilenceoftheBoneCollectoratCSIwhoiswaitingonBones. Did we have our CSI moments? Sure. Bones? Hell yeah. The Silence of the Lambs and The Bone Collector? Check and check. Teresa said that she thought this was created in a "think tank full of cop-drama nerds." I can see that...

There were a couple of parts where I knew what was going to be said or Teresa and I both knew what was going to happen. As Rizzoli was doing a prison interview with a psychotic killer that had almost killed her and who holds the key to solving a new string of killings, he told her that he dreamed of her. Of COURSE the only correct response for Rizzoli was, "I don't even think about you." (Please, for all that is good in the world retire this scene... retire that exchange...NOW.)

Oh, and while we are bitching about scenes that REALLY need retired: when a serial killer is on the loose and two partners are doing a stakeout, when one leaves to go heed nature's call or go look around, we KNOW they're going to get maimed or killed. There are other ways to surprise us... please find them. We're begging... Teresa and I saw that move with Korsak a MILE AWAY... in the dark... with blindfolds on. Teresa's twitter response: "Smart move, get out of the car & go looking around." I couldn't tweet, I was too busy eye rolling.

Don't get me wrong, the show does have some good things going for it. The cast has some very good actors involved. Besides Harmon and Alexander, you have Lorraine Bracco, who plays Rizzoli's meddling mother, Angela. Teresa and I agree she is the best thing about this show-- adds wit, and unlike her TV daughter, doesn't overact the scenes she is in.

Bruce McGill (Oh, he of Animal House legend)plays Detective Vince Korsak, who was Rizzoli's partner and mentor. I have never seen McGill do bad work, and he performed well here, with a good combination of humor and toughness.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Billy Burke (Bella's daddy in Twilight)made an appearance as an FBI agent for whom Isles' stomach started doing hula hoops around her ovaries. His character was also working the serial killer case, and there was the requisite amount of sexual tension between him and BOTH the ladies.

As for Harmon and Alexander, they performed well. I have to admit, Harmon tends to overeach a tad bit much for me. She seemed to be trying too hard to hit the cop beats and it came off sounding rather one note to me. It took me a few minutes to see Alexander as the ME (I kept waiting for Ducky to show up instead-- my NCIS fixation at work), but once I did, she really pulled it off well.

I was loathe to discuss this, but it became such a HOT TOPIC on twitter last night that I have to mention it-- Rizzoli and Isles could really get into some decent fem-lovin' on the show. My goodness...you could literally cut the sexual tension those two had with a knife.

When you have Rizzoli showing up at Isles' house for some comfort and Isles comes out in a gray nightgown that (I SWEAR) seemed to almost sway around her seductively... or when you have Isles coming over to Rizzoli's to help clean her ransacked house, looking at Rizzoli and slyly saying "So, where do I begin?"-- it makes one wonder how many episodes it's going to take before Logo Network purchasing the right to repeat. I can see guys tuning in just to see these two flirt with one another... and I already know the 'shipping has begun. Whether or not the writers meant for this to happen-- I don't know... but it was entertaining just to watch these two do more flirting with each other than with the hot FBI agent. I'm curious (maybe not the right choice of word) to see where this goes.

As to the verdict: Mondays at 10pm... not a whole lot going on. This isn't the worst show on TV, though it is completely unoriginal; so, go ahead and give it a chance... if all else fails, you may see a sexual revolution on TNT. Now who wouldn't mind that?

No, we are not discussing the size of my ass nor the planetary size of my ego. Huge is a new drama on ABC Family. Yes, ABC Family, the cheesiest of all cheddar that brings you A Secret Life and Make It or Break It. While they canceled the decent shows like Wildfire and Kyle XY, I still hold a grudge.

Huge is about, guess what, fat people. Fat kids at fat camp. Yeah I thought it might be entertaining because one girl, Willamina, played by Nikki Blonsky (shown above) doesn't want to lose weight. Yeah, she's happy being a fatty and I thought I could love her until she caved.

Here's what happened. At the beginning, she has to strip down to her bathing suit because it's the rule. So she does a strip tease trying to be funny. It wasn't. It was a walking talking pile of jello trying to balance on a stool during a hurricane. Hey, I don't hate cuz she's fat, I hate because I don't need to see it. Cover that shit up, I still know you're fat, but come on.

Anyway, the one girl she hates is Amber, played by Hayley Hasselhoff. Yes, the Hoff's daughter. Which I don't even know why she's on this show because she's a fucking plus sized model. Plus sized models are like a size 10, so get the fuck out of the fat camp show, k? So Will, as she prefers, is the contraband of twinkies seller. She gets ratted out, sells some cupcakes to a puker, the puker gets ratted out and is sent home. Which THAT pissed me off.

Seriously. If you are at FAT camp and are bulimic, you should get some kind of treatment that makes you know that puking is not cool. Don't do it. But no, they send the vomit comet home. Everyone is sad, Will runs away because bitch Amber makes her feel guilty bc she sold her the twinkies or cupcakes the other girl puked up, blah, blah, blah.

So where does Will run off to? Oh yeah, you know it's a diner! She orders some greasy fries and a chocolate milk shake. Just what I would have ordered, except I would have gotten chili and cheese on those fries. Really. While she's there she over hears the camp counselor talking to the chef who's her dad. (Black lady counselor, white old dude, chef) Like it's some big secret, Will tries to sneak away but gets caught.

Will gets brought back to camp & decides she wants to stay and decides to stop selling her candy. BOO! What good is fat camp without a rebel tempting you with evil in a shiny wrapper? BOO!

I was also pissed because character Amber pins up skinny bitch models on her bed as "thinspiration" BITCH, you're fooling yourself. Honestly, the girl said she's been dieting since she was 10 years old. OMG Seriously? If you're not thin yet, you won't be. Learn to love yourself.

What does this show say to all the chunky monkey chicks out there? Work your ass off & diet forever? Fuck that. Look at me, I'm a fat ass size 14/16 and I go to the gym for 2 hours every day. I'm never going to be skinny because I like food too much, but I will never be a ginormous cow either. I just have issues with this show because they send mixed signals. First it was "I'm happy being fat" then it was "okay, maybe I'm NOT happy being a cow, so I'll diet and exercise now." Make up your mind!

I didn't love this show, but I didn't completely hate it either. So watch it at your own risk, like if nothing else is on. Really.

Shit, I just watched this episode and it was so good that I forgot how it started. I'm pretty sure it started back in Sookie's house with Eric running after the werewolf that just broke into Sookie's house. Sookie fires her gun at the wolf, but Eric jumps in front of the bullet. He doesn't want the werewolf to get killed because he wants to get information from it first. Of course the were won't talk, but Sookie hears it think "Jackson" and Eric kills him. Getting Sookie's rug all bloody from killing the werewolf, Eric says, "I got your rug all wet." He takes the body (since werewolves don't clean up after themselves once they die) and buries it in a fresh grave so no one notices freshly disturbed earth. Eric makes a point to put the wreath back on the grave as they leave. lol

If it weren't for my tweets during this show, I'd have no fucking idea the order any of this happened. LOL

Anyway, we get back to King Russell's mansion where Lorena is indeed on fire, so they put her out with one of the rugs. Damn. They should have let the bitch fry, but then who would torture Bill? The King and Bill talk more about what the king wants from him and how he would leave Sookie alone if Bill denounces his loyalty to Sophie Anne and becomes loyal to Russell instead.

Tara and Franklin Mott are in a skeezy motel room having, what seems to be, outstanding sex. She begs him to bite her, but he won't. Then he starts asking questions, like her name and if she had a boyfriend, so she gets up and starts getting dressed. Then he tells her his name and offers her a ride home, but she says she'll walk, then leaves.

Jessica calls Pam at Fangtasia while Pam is in the middle of what seems to be dinner, as she's going down on some hot girl, then answers the phone, "Fangtasia, this better be good." Jessica reminds her who she is and about the problem of the "hypothetical" dead body and how to get rid of it. Then explains the body is gone. When Pam realizes Jessica is calling about a dead body that is no longer there, she hangs up and gets back to "eating."

Jason tells Hoyt about what happened in Hot Shot and how he took that guy down, now Jason wants to become a cop. If this happens the whole town is fucked. LOL Hoyt asks Jason a few questions that are on the practice test, but Jason doesn't know any of the answers. He points out that Andy doesn't know half that shit, so he shouldn't have a problem with the test.

Arlene is at the Dr.office getting a gyno check up and she is definitely pregnant only it's not Terry's. She is at least 9-10 weeks along which makes the baby Rene Lenier's baby (from season 1) but when Arlene tells Terry she's prenant, she doesn't tell him it's not his. I mean, how could she? Terry was SO happy to find out Arlene was pregnant that he automatically assumed it was their baby. He tells her she has made him proud and given him something in his life to live for.

Tara is at work when she gets a call about Eggs' funeral and leaves quickly to go there, where no one but her, the coroner and preacher are there. She asks where every one is, but he didn't have any family or many friends. She asks who paid for the funeral and Sookie walks up saying she did. As the funeral begins, the camera pans out and shows a grave of Thomas Compton, Bill's son.

Bill is having a dream of his past life when he showed up to his house to see his wife, and his child, Thomas, has died from some kind of pox. His wife sees that Bill is crying tears of blood and asks what he is, then shoots him with a shot gun. She freaks out when his flesh grows back, runs outside to where Lorena catches her. Bill won't let Lorena hurt his wife, but he glamours her so she will forget what she's seen and that Bill stopped by. As Bill and Lorena bury Thomas, Lorena tells Bill that the only way to love a human is to leave them and stay away. He wakes up and knows what he has to do to protect Sookie.

Sam comes into his bio parents house to let them know he's leaving. He asks his brother why he tried to kill him and his brother kind of shrugs it off as no biggie. At Merlottes Sam tells Sookie about his family and how he has a brother. Sookie tells Sam she needs a few days off to go to Mississippi.

Sookie is cleaning the blood out of her rug when she hears someone behind her, runs to the house and tries to fight him off, then runs inside where we learn the guy is Alcide, hired by Eric to accompany Sookie to Mississippi so she can find Bill.

Jason is having a dream, while sleeping on the job, about taking the police test and is waken up by Lafayette when Hoyt finds a dead body sans head and hands. Bud, Andy and Kenya are looking over the crime scene when Bud gets fed up and quits. He said he's had enough of dead bodies and is tired of this shit.

Someone knocks on the door of Bill's house and Jessica answers. It's Franklin Mott. Thinking Franklin is some weird creepy guy just bothering her, she shows her fangs and he shows his. He walks in and she didn't know he could just come in without being invited. He lets her know that rule is just for human homes. He asks her if anyone has gone missing and she says Bill, but he's talking about the body she was hiding. She plays it off like she doesn't know what he's talking about then he whips out the dead guy's head. LOL He says he did her a favor by getting rid of the body, so she can do her a favor by telling him about Bill Compton.

Franklin goes next door and knocks on Sookie's door, where Tara answers. He knows her name now because of Jessica, but Tara won't let him in, until he glamours her to let him in.

Sookie and Alcide get to Mississippi and go into a werewolf bar where Sookie makes herself known to a group of biker gang looking weres. She reads one's thoughts and he is thinking about the vampire's ass he kicked the other night. She touches him and sees he was involved with Bill's disappearance. She goes to a back room with him, but he won't tell her where Bill is then screams. Alcide runs in and gets him off Sookie and the two guys fight for a minute. The bartender tells Alcide she isn't worth it. Alcide thinks he is referring to Sookie, but he's referring to Alcide's ex, Debbie Pelt, who is now engaged to head of the werewolf pack, Cooter, who works for Russell Edgington.

Sam's white trash family comes into Merlottes and drinks up until Joe Lee gets drunk and Sam has to kick them out. Later that night an alarm goes off in Sam's trailer, letting him know someone is in/around his bar/home. He finds a bird in his office, some of his things gone through and his brother's clothes. His brother flys out the window.

Back at the King's mansion, Bill interrupts Lorena and Russell's conversation about Sookie by denouncing his loyalty to the queen of Louisiana and announcing his loyalty to the King of Mississippi. This saves Sookie's involvement, as per his agreement with Russell, but pisses Lorena off because she wanted Sookie to die.

Up in Bill's room, Bill tells Lorena how he remembered what he taught her about humans and that she was right, also that he will never love her and always hate her. He is telling her this while ripping off her clothes and fucking her. Then the oddest thing happens, Bill turns Lorena's head around, breaking her neck, so she is facing the other way, while they are fucking. She says she still loves him and Bill screams.

For whatever reason Bill fucked Lorena, I am officially over him and on team Eric. I've read all the books and have been on team Eric for a while, after switching from team Bill, to team Alcide, to team Quinn, back to team Eric.

True Blood is on a two week hiatus since HBO doesn't show any new shows during the holidays and since next weekend is 4th of July weekend, we'll just see repeats of True Blood. So, until two weeks, when I will be on my own little vacation, house sitting for my bestie. Happy fang bangin!

We start this episode with Bill ripping off the ear of an attacking werewolf with his teeth. The King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, rides up on a horse and stops the fighting, and asks what is going on. Bill tries to explain that the King's werewolves kidnapped him & drank his blood. Well the King gets a little pissed and shoots one of the werewolves (now in human form) in the head.

After the opening credits, Lafayette breaks into the bathroom where Tara is drinking as many pill bottles as she can find & he stops her & makes her throw them up. Lettie Mae walks in praising Jesus and Lafayette says, "You so busy praisin Jesus to see she tryin to move in with him permanently."

Sookie & Jessica are at Fangtasia letting Eric know what they found out about Bill's kidnappers. To let Eric & Sookie talk, Jessica and Pam go to the restroom, where Jessica asks Pam how you feed on someone without killing them. Then she asks what to do with a body if you accidentally DO kill someone.

Sookie leaves to take Jessica home before dawn and once she leaves, Eric has a flashback to 1945 Germany during the War where he and Godric were dressed as Nazi Officers and ran into a woman who turned into a werewolf & attacked a soldier.

Back at Russell Edgington's house,we meet Talbot, the King's obviously gay lover, and he shows Bill to his room. The inside of the doors are made with silver so Bill can't leave, yet they have a bell for him to ring if he needs something.

Tara & Lafayette pull over to the side of the road in his car and she pleads with him not to take her to the hospital because if she told them what really happened, they'd lock her in a padded room. "The one time in my entire life I thought I was happy, I was a fucking zombie." Lafayette says they need to do two things, first, eat, second, something Tara needs to see.

Sookie takes Jessica home where Hoyt is waiting (and looking HAWT.) Hoyt tries to convince Jessica to take him back but she slams the door in his face then cries on the other side. She walks to her cubby hole in the ground & sees the dead guy still lying there. She lies down next to him & closes the door.

Sookie is home in the dark, when she turns around & knees Jason in the nuts, thinking he's an intruder. They talk about what happened to bill. The sun comes up and Sookie is cleaning, while Jason is in disbelief about werewolves. He asks if Bigfoot and Santa were real too.

Sam is asleep in his truck when he is awakened by a shotgun pointed in his face from Tommy Pickens. Sam has been sleeping outside of the Pickens' home, wanting to find answers about his parents. Tommy orders Sam out of the truck and into the house, where Sam meets his bio parents.

At Merlotts, in the parking lot, sookie drops her keys and hears someone's thoughts. She looks up and sees a guy with the werewolf scar on his neck. I'm sorry, but her eyes must be fucking awesome to see a little scar like that from so far away. Anyway, Terry scares the guy off, so they go looking for him only to find his clothes and some wolf tracks.

Lafayette takes Tara to a "nut house" as she calls it, and Lafayette asks to see Ruby June Reynolds, his mother, being played by Alfre Woodard.

Jason goes to Andy's press conference to talk to him more about how he shot Eggs and was feeling guilty, plus I think he wanted to ask for Andy's help about Bill's disappearance. They decide to go have lunch instead of talking outside near so many cameras and reporters.

Sookie & Terry talk about what they just saw, so Terry gives Sookie a gun for protection.

Sam is inside with the Pickens' talking about why he was given away for adoption. Tommy is upset that no one told him he had a brother, and storms out into the yard to work on his car.

Lafayette and Tara talk about why he kept it a secret that his mother was in a psychiatric hospital. Tara is worried that she'll end up like Ruby if she isn't more careful. She says she gets it now, and they leave.

Sam tries to make small talk with Tommy and they decide to go for a run, both turning into dogs. Sam, his usual collie and Tommy a pitbull. As they run, Tommy the pitbull stops in the middle of the road and Sam the collie runs over to him. Just as a truck drives by, Tommy changes into a hawk and flys away, where Sam almost gets run over, and rolls in the dirt in his human form again.

Jessica is spraying the entire house with Lysol while calling to see about renting a chainsaw for the dead body in her cubby hole. While she leaves to get the chainsaw, someone breaks into Bills house and goes through his things looking for information about Sookie. Jessica comes home once the intruder has left and finds that her dead body is missing.

Bill is having dinner with the King where he tells Bill of his intentions to marry Sophie Ann.

Sookie is outside on the porch with her gun and hears a strange sound, but it's just Eric. He tells her about his time in Nazi Germany and how they impersonated others to try and find the vampire leader of the Operation Werewolf. He explains the werewolves that took Bill are not ordinary werewolves and that they are now after her. Eric tries to get Sookie to invite him in, so he can protect her and possibly have sex with her, but she refuses and insist she is still Bill's. (I know he wouldn't have to ask ME twice to come in)

At dinner with the King, he talks to Bill more about Sophie Ann and wants to know her secrets. He wonders why Sophie Ann would send Bill, such a great vampire, to live in Bon Temp, a swampy town, and date a waitress. Bill insist Russell leave Sookie out of this. Loren walks in making snide comments about Bill's love for Sookie and bill runs over and sets her on fire. Though I've seen enough daytime television to know this is probably just a fantasy of Bills.

Lafayette brings Tara to Merlotts with him so she'll be safe while he's working and a new vampire, Franklin Mott, walks into the bar. He chit chats with Tara and she asks if he's a friend of Bill Compton's. He says no, and he asks her the same. She says she basically is not a friend of his. Then the camera pans down to his shoes, and we find out HE is the one who broke into Bill's house earlier.

Jason has had too much to drink during his lunch with Andy, so Andy offers to drive him home. Once in the car he gets a call to back up Kenya in Hot Shot, so Jason rides along out there with Andy. Once they pull up, we meet Calvin Norris and he asks what's going on. They have a warrant to search his house. Jason sees a pretty girl running through the trees, Crystal Norris, and he gets out of the car and chases after her. He turns around and sees a guy trying to escape, so Jason goes and tackles the guy to the ground.

Tara is outside of the bar drinking on a bottle of Wild Turkey when two white trash drunk mother fuckers come out and start laughing about how Eggs was shot. This pisses Tara off and she gets a punch off on one of the guys and as they start to attack her, Franklin Mott comes out to her rescue, holds one guy and lets Tara get a good five or so punches off on that dumbass.

Eric and Sookie are still outside on her porch as he mocks her with typical wedding vows. He tries to get Sookie to invite him in yet she refuses. He hears something and finally convinces Sookie to invite him in. Once in, he sees a werewolf inside her house. Eric bares fangs and Sookie pulls out a guns, and fires it.

This episode was just fantastic! We meet many of the new characters who are pivotal to this season and there are still more to come. I love how this was fast moving and didn't have any slow plots. I can't wait until next Sunday!

In a long anticipation of a new series with Betty White, the wait is finally over! Hot In Cleveland premiered tonight on TV Land and I'd like to announce it was a big hit. With me, anyway.

The sitcom starts on a plane in first class headed to Paris. Three best friends are taking a two week trip there because Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli) is going through a divorce and needs to get away from life in L.A. While on the plane, Melanie sees her soon-to-be ex-husband on the flight as well, only he is with his new, younger finance'.

A heartbroken Melanie is being comforted by her pals when she wishes the plane would crash and kill both her ex and his new chick. Then the turbulence starts and the plane makes and emergency landing, in Cleveland.

The ladies stop into a bar to get drunk while on their layover and they discover that Cleveland is nothing like L.A. The guys are looking at them and hitting on them. They make a few hilarious comparisons of the men. "If a guy waxes his chest, that means he's probably looking at the same sex."

We learn that Joy (Jane Leeves, Daphne in Frasier) is an eyebrow artist and waxes brows for celebrities including Oprah. While looking at a newspaper, she notices Oprah's eyebrows look different and deduces that she got her brows done at a different salon.

Victoria (Wendie Malick, Nina Van Horn in Just Shoot Me) is an aging daytime soap actress. She loves that the guys in the bar in Cleveland know who she is and love her.

While in the bar, three guys ask the ladies to join them. Melanie hits it off with Hank (John Schneider, Bo Duke, The Dukes of Hazard.) She likes him so much that she rents a home in Cleveland. At this house, we are introduced to the caretaker, Elka (Betty White.)

Betty White brings the funny to this sitcom with her references to the three ladies looking like hookers. "Why are you renting to hookers?" "You look like you stepped out of a painting, of hookers." Oh I lol'd at this so much.

When Melanie gets a call from her new guy, she goes to meet him and her friends Google him. They find out he's married. As Elka walks in and says, "Tell me you didn't see that one coming."

The girls rush to Hank's boat, where he and Mel are having dinner, to tell her he's married, just as HE tries to tell her he's married. He smooths things over by apologizing and making the regular "man" excuses: "I'm stuck in a love-less marriage" and "You were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."

The girls all go back to the house and instead of going to Paris, Joy and Victoria decide to stay in Cleveland with Melanie for two weeks. Then they decide to go back to the bar where the men think they're hot and Elka says "I'll drive!"

I liked this show because the dialog was realistic and the emotional distress of the three women

was relatable. Sure the scenarios may have been unrealistic and far fetched, but it's a fucking sitcom for crying out loud! Some things are just allowed to be askew, such as the reasoning to move to Cleveland. There is NO reason whatsoever that could get me to move to Cleveland.

All in all I liked this show and have high hopes for it. I give it a 3 of 5 smilies.

The wait is FINALLY OVER!! For "Truebies" we have been waiting an entire 10 months for season 3 of True Blood to start and we were NOT disappointed!

The episode starts by catching you up on what you missed last season. I think that is for the non-fanatical, basic True Blood watchers, because if you were a fan, which by definition is "an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc." you would KNOW what happened last season. But I digress.

After those five minutes, we start right back where we left off last season, which is with Sookie running out of the bathroom to tell Bill she would marry him only to find him gone & a sign of a struggle, so we see Sookie giving her statement to Kenya, a deputy Sheriff, who seems less than interested about finding Bill and could care less about the "crime scene." Insisting she can't do anything about Bill's disappearance, she gives Sookie a ride home.

Sookie tries to find Bill, hoping he went home, then tells Eric, after she accuses him of abducting Bill. Unfortunately Sookie is right, Eric DID try to have Bill abducted, but his men were too late as Bill was taken by a group who referred to themselves as the "fuck you crew."

Bill causes the car to veer off the road & wreck, enabling him to escape from his captors, stays in the ground for the day, then finds a little old lady the next night to feed off of and regain his strength. After finding he is a long way from Bon Temps, LA, somewhere in Mississippi, he leaves to make his way home when he is encountered by a pack of werewolves.

Meanwhile back in Bon Temps, Jason is freaking out over shooting Eggs in the head and Andy taking responsibility for it. Jason tries to maintain his cool and Andy encourages him to be his "old self" by turning his "conscience off, dick on." And he does just that, by picking up two traveling co-eds from New York. Unfortunately Jason's conscience gets the best of him when he can't perform sexually because he keeps seeing bullet holes in the girls' heads.

Hoyt is heartbroken over his breakup with Jessica, who unintentionally killed a truck driver she fed on the night before and is unsure what to do with the body. She tries to turn him into a vampire, but wakes up the next night finding her attempt was not successful.

Lafayette is trying to nurse a heartbroken Tara back to normal after her suffering the loss of her boyfriend, Eggs. She tries alcohol and drugs, but Lafayette eventually calls Lettie Mae to come take care of her because she kept asking for her mama.

Lettie Mae gets her pastor to come talk to Tara, but she just looks dazed and lost in her own thoughts. It seems that Lettie Mae wanted more than scripture from the reverend when he leaves and that distracts her attention away from Tara, who said she was going to shower, only to down bottles and bottles of pills while locking herself in the bathroom. Lafayette comes home, furious that Lettie Mae left Tara alone, tries to break down the bathroom door.

The Vampire Magistrate and the Queen visit Eric at Fangtasia, and inquire about excessive selling of V or vampire blood, in the state and Eric has no answers, even though the Queen has ordered him to sell her blood for profit because the IRS is looking into her finances and she is broke.

While Pam is delivering a check to Sookie for her services in Dallas, she gets a "call" from Eric. Sookie didn't know vampires could call their children telepathically like that, so she visits Jessica to see if she had heard from Bill in the same way.

Jessica had no idea what that feeling was, but followed it, with Sookie, to where Bill's car was flipped over on the side of the road. One of the kidnappers was dead in Bill's car with no identification except for a strange marking on his shoulder. Jessica found that this marking meant he was a werewolf.

This season starts off great! It had so much quick action and suspense, plus some very racy sex scenes, including the dream Sam had of Bill. (The vampires don't tell you that a side effect of ingesting their blood is having sensual dreams of them, which Sam found out the hard way.)

We weren't introduced to any new characters just yet, but this episode set the stage for great introduction of the weres or werewolves.

In a small clip after the episode aired, we were shown that the director Alan Ball chose to work with REAL wolves, for the werewolf scenes and also use their howls, which you could hear toward the end of the episode. He said his choice to use real wolves, was because he didn't want the cgi to look too fake *ahem* like some *ahem* "other" werewolves. (Twilight) HAHAHA Yes, I hate the Twilight series, because I'm not gay or a 14 year old girl.

Having read the entire series of Charlain Harris' Sookie Stackhouse novels, I am EXCITED to see what Alan Ball does with this season of True Blood. Even though I already know what will mainly happen with the characters, Alan always throws in a few good twists and turns along the way that one NEVER expects. Needless to say, I am one excited truebie right now!

Obviously I give this a 5 of 5 smilies!

Neighbors From Hell is a new animated series on TBS. It's created by the same people who brought you Family Guy, but you would never fucking know it. Seriously, let me get through telling you the synopsis of the show and then I'll tell you how I feel about it.

A major power company on Earth, named Petromundo, is drilling through the planet and there is danger of the drill reaching the center of Earth, where Hell is located. In order for the Devil to save Hell and prevent the drilling from destroying his underworld, he sends Balthazor Hellman, an avid TV watcher of American sitcoms, and his family to Earth to infiltrate the power company and destroy the drill.

The family doesn't like the idea of going, but follow their head of household to the suburbs, in what seems like, Midwestern America. The family of demons are told they are not allowed to use their powers or magical spells while on Earth, but do a few times, to keep their identity undercover from their neighbors.

Balthazor gets a job with Petromundo and finds the perfect way to destroy the drill, the Chief Engineer behind the drilling project, Chevdet Tevetoglu. He figures if he gets that dude drunk, he will screw up his big presentation, get fired and the drill project will be no more. What Balthazor didn't plan on, was becoming best friends with Chevdet.

Halfway through this show I am pulling my hair out, screaming at nothing, wondering what I had done to be punished and forced into watching this bullshit! My exact thought was "Why am I watching this shit filled with lame cliches, horrible attempts at crude laughter and retardedness? The Elmer Fudd 'wabbits' Geico commercial is more entertaining than this show. Thank God it's only a half hour long. Too fucking bad there are still 15 minutes left."

The only thing I like about this show is the neighbor's poodle constantly trying to kill it's self. First it was at the grocery store in the produce section, trying to hang it's self with the little plastic baggies on a roll. The second time was at the Hellman's bbq when it rolled around in lighter fluid and tried to light a match.

This show was a big fatty waste of my time. I consider myself to like crude humor and animated series' such as The Simpsons, Family Guy and American Dad, this show was not enjoyable for me at all. I give this show a 1 of 5 smiles because it was insufferable, except for one small part.

WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK!

HankMed is BACK! The Season 2 opener for Royal Pains was June 3rd at 10pm on USA. If you

were watching anything else, you should be tested for galactically stupiditis, because you are a retard.

With it being an entire year since we last saw Hank, Evan, Divya & Jill, I was a little worried that I would have forgotten what last happened. Thanks to USA, they fill you in on why Hank and his accountant brother, Evan, started up HankMed in the Hamptons, some of the cases they experienced, and of course the personal drama.

The first season concluded with Hank & Evan being screwed financially by their father and left for broke. The second season doesn't skip a beat and starts right with Hank trying to pick up the pieces. Poor blinded Evan is still holding out hope that their father will repay the "loan."

Hank tries to snap Evan into reality, that their father is a lying, thieving, bastard, as Evan mopes around the house watching infomercials. Hank & Divya try to earn money for HankMed and get a call from a famous inventor/infomercial guy. Think Ron Popeil, only younger and with spasticity.

The episode revolves around continually getting the inventor out of the many jams he puts himself into, such as falling off a ladder, shooting his hand with a nail gun & being trapped in a panic room, midway through the door. Of course Hank uses unconventional ways to brilliantly save this guys life, like always, but that doesn't dull the storyline since it is so well written.

A subplot is that Jill's job is on the line because she lost two ER docs last season, one being her former husband, who's hottie pants ass was played by Bruno Campos, walked away and left us last season.

A new character was introduced to us, Dr.Elizabeth Blair, played by Marcia Gay Harden, who is a hard nosed bitch, unhappy with everything Jill has done at the hospital because it's an inconvenience to her.

She files a formal complaint against Jill, but during the hearing, Jill gets an emergency text from Hank & walks out, losing her job which is taken over by Dr. Blair.

With the usual but fresh banter between Evan and Divya, the sexual tension gets even higher when he finds out Divya went through with her pre-arranged engagement from last season.

Evan even opens up to Divya about his problems with his dad.

Speaking of Hank & Evan's dad, we FINALLY get to meet him and he is none

other than Henry Winkler! What a perfect addition to the cast! Of course he only shows up at the end of the episode to repay Evan the loan and receive a giant punch in the face from Hank. BUT according to IMDB.com, he will be in at least 2 more episodes this season. There will be more guest stars, but you will just have to watch to find out who they are.

Royal Pains airs Thursday nights at 10pm Eastern, on USA. Check it out or check yourself into a mental health facility.

I give this show a MUST SEE 4 of 5 smiles

Season 7 starts with 16 new contestants and it starts off in an odd sort of way. If you've ever watched any of the prior Hell's Kitchen episodes, you know that Chef Ramsay is a complete, balls-to-the-wall bad ass. He shows no love to anyone. He gives the impression that he would kick a girl scout in the taco if her cookies tasted of shit.

In the opening scene, he picks a dull stay at home mom, and tries her dish. He loves it and shows her how much by snogging the fuck out of her. Turns out, it was his wife in disguise. The clever Chef was making a point to the other contestants that it doesn't matter how much experience you may or may not have, but how well you know your shit. Which brings us to our first contestant, Fran.

Fran sounds just like she looks, which to me, is a 50 year old, chain smoking, granny who plays the nickel slots at the casino. She brags about having over 30 years experience as a chef, yet is one of the first ladies to get kicked the fuck out of the kitchen because she confused crab meat with lobster meat and screwed up the lobster risoto.

She is one feisty granny with an attitude that even pisses ME off. I can tell that she's going to be a handful of warm shit all year, depending on how long she lasts. If the first episode is any indication, it won't be long til her ass is kicked out, since she was one of 2 contestants on the first chopping block.

Next, for the guys, we have the ultimate douche bag, Mikey. He is one brazen little guido fuck face. Even though he's not from the Jersey shore, he

should be declared an honorary member. The first thing we notice is his 1960's pompadour styled mo-hawk. The he shows us his new tattoo, which is Hell's Kitchen spelled out across his chest with the trade marked pitchfork. God I hope this guy goes home soon just so he can regret that shitty tattoo. Needless to say, during the first dinner service, he too, gets kicked out of the kitchen for fucking up the halibut twice.

A strong competitor for the women seems to be Autumn. She shows that she can be calm under pressure and can also try to calm the hens down when they start going bat shit crazy. Plus she won't take shit from any of the other bitch assed contestants, which she proved against the mouthy Fran. I like this girl and I hope she kicks ass in this contest.

What the fuck are we gonna do with THIS guy? Salvatore is originally from Italy, yet has lived in Jersey for over 20 years and still maintains his retarded accent. Retarded is putting it lightly, because this guy has some major soup for brains and can't boil water. How the fuck he ever made it on this show is beyond me. I guess they figured we needed to laugh at some poor dumb animal, so they gave us Salvatore.

Chef Ramsay is his usual colorful self in this episode, telling people to fuck off and what not. You know it's summer on Fox when all you hear is continuous bleeping for foul language. After the Chef's first night in the house, they get little to no sleep from being awakened by constant alarms which alerted them to instructional videos from Chef Ramsay. At this point I am laughing my ass off because Chef is taunting their tired asses in the videos.

The next day, the Chefs are supposed to have learned all the basic courses, so Ramsay opens Hell's Kitchen for it's first service. Hilarity ensues as Chef kicks half of the men and half of the women out of the kitchen before the main course is even ready to serve, thus causing the remaining contestants to merge and work as one team. That worked out fairly well, as they finished the dinner service, but the women's team loses the challenge, so one of them will be sent home.

The two on the chopping block are the insufferable Fran and Stacey, chef to the stars.

After seeing Stacey cook, I doubt she'll be cooking for any stars higher

than the D-list. She screws up the scallops on more than one occasion and is the first to get kicked out of the kitchen. The ladies and Chef Ramsay finds her to be incompetent and she is the first to leave Hell's Kitchen, Season 7.

This season started off a bit rushed, but it seems to have the great entertaining name calling delivered by Chef Ramsay, as the prior seasons. If you enjoy food, or even just like watching people make fools of themselves, you will surely enjoy Hell's Kitchen.

I give this show 3 out of 5 smiles

Bitchy Teresa

[Hyperion - Another Guest post from Teresadf]







E! has created another hot mess of a television "reality" show, starring Kendra Wilkinson, previously one of "The Girls Next Door" or one of Hugh Heffner's ex playmate bimbos.
Basically, the show is about Kendra moving out of the Playboy Mansion and into her own house. It also features her trying to plan her wedding to fiance' Eagles Wide Receiver Hank Basket.

Things you should know about Kendra, if you never saw The Girls Next Door:

1. She's VERY messy
2. She's VERY dumb
3. She's always late
4. Easily distracted
5. Dumber than a rock
6. Loves sports
7. Mildly retarded


I imagine Kendra's two brain cells fighting all the time, then laughing because they forgot why they were fighting. Kendra seems like she's a Martian, sent into the world for the first time to figure out life, but the only skill she was given, was how to be a whore.

Her unpacking consists of multiple piles of shit. The piles aren't organized, they are just piles She is surprised that the house she bought doesn't contain the furniture that was there when she last saw it and decided to buy. Seriously. Her first piece of furniture is not a bed, sofa or chair, but a stripper pole placed in the living room. Shit, she could have at least put that in the bedroom.



During her first trip to the grocery store, she seems confused that food doesn't come already prepared for her. She obviously doesn't know how to cook, so what the holy piss did she spend $400 on? Well, she does have a roommate, so maybe SHE knows how to cook? If they are lucky, Kendra's fiance' knows how to cook.

Kendra's family stops in for a visit, and I wonder if her mother even raised this idiot. I mean, before she moved into the Playboy mansion, she lived at home. Did she NEVER help clean, cook or shop? Or did her tiny little brain refuse to retain all that info? Her mom doesn't seem like the type to cater to anyone.

Since she has no furniture, or anything else for that matter, her mother suggests she throw a housewarming party, so her friends will give her free shit in return for an ear-stabbing night of drunkenness with Kendra. I think I'd rather stand in traffic.

Who knew a former playmate had so many friends? They all show up, including Heff and Crystal, his newest girlfriend. Bridget, another former "Girl Next Door" also shows up looking about 10 years older. I guess when you stop dating Heff, you can't afford those shots of Botox anymore?

The next day, Kendra leaves to pick up her finace and I'm shocked that she can drive, let alone drive and not wreck every 5 feet. She's nervous about bringing Hank home because it's empty and because her "style" is White Trash Mess. This is one patient dude. First, he must have a brain injury from football to tolerate Kendra's laugh and nasally whine. Second, how can he not constantly picture her with Heff and his old man saggy balls? Five years she dated Heff. Even writing about this made mew throw up a little.



Next we watch as Kendra and Hank try to set up their new television. Surprise, Kendra didn't get cable. I'm actually surprised she got electricity and water and remembered where she lived.

Later, at a bridal shop with two of her girlfriends, she tries on wedding dresses. We see Kendra naked so much, I don't know why this show isn't on HBO or at least on past midnight.



Hugh Heffner invites Kendra and Hank to the Playboy mansion. I don't know what for, I figured it was for dinner, but they never ate, so who knows. They are both a little nervous, but I'd feel nervous introducing my fiance to my exboyfriend. This meeting makes ME feel awkward. Heff shows Hank around the grounds and tells stories. It's cute that Kendra acts like she's never heard those stories before, but in all fairness, she probably just forgot them. Heff offers the mansion to use for their wedding, which they later agree to use, even though Hank thinks it's strange to get married at Kendra's ex's house.

These first two episodes of Kendra were like watching a toddler run into walls. Even when the kid gets back up, you just know they are going to run into that damn wall again! The amount of stupid that this girl brings is astronomically unbelievable. You can't help but watch, just to see what this blond retard is going to do next.

I recommend you watch, if nothing else is on, or you feel like laughing at just how stupid one person can be. The cost is only a few brain cells, at most. "Kendra" airs on E! Sunday nights at 10/9c [with tons of re-airs throughout the week]
Teresadf



Hyperion - In the interest of "rounding" out Teresa's fine analysis, I thought we should give you Kendra's "Specs"



Kendra Wilkinson
Birth name: Kendra Wilkinson
Occupation: Model, Television personality, Playmate
Birth date: June 12, 1985
Place of Birth: San Diego, California
Famous Tagline: (Of "The Girls Next Door" Television show) - "You call it fantasy, they call it home."
Height: 5'4"
Hair color: blonde
Eye color: blue
Interests: Likes to play soccer, tennis, and softball, and enjoys snowboarding
Athletic teams/organizations: Kendra Wilkinson is a huge fan of the San Diego Chargers and the Philadelphia Eagles.

Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite TV show: "The Family Guy"
Favorite Movies: "The Godfather" trilogy, "Scarface" and "Goodfellas"
Favorite Actor: Johnny Depp
Favorite Actress: Angelina Jolie
Favorite Video Game: "Madden NFL 2006"

Royal Pains

There's a woman I Follow on Twitter - @teresadf. She's profane and funny and....while watching her favorite TV shows Twitters at a rate of about 845,000/hour.

I'm not kidding.

Drives me frickin' Bananas. More than once I've threatened her with death, but for a girl from Kentucky, that just seems like a Saturday night.

Anyway, it occurred to me that instead of grumbling and hiring hit men, I should turn the situation into an opportunity. I have not done as much with TV Warrior as I wanted, and Teresa would be absolutely perfect for it. She agreed to try it out, and after the premiere of Royal Pains (on USA) Thursday night Teresa gamely wrote up her thoughts. I think she was trying extra hard to be civil; there was barely any swearing! After she finished, I wanted to know a little bit more, so I asked her a few questions in live Chat. Below are Teresa's thoughts on Royal Pains (in her very own unique if mostly clean words), and then our brief conversation.

[USA airs the program on Thursdays, with numerous re-airings if you want to catch up on the Pilot (which runs 90 minutes). Check USA for that. Or you can watch the episode onHulu, IMDB or TV.com]

He's not a doctor, but.....

The show starts out on the b-ball court. When one of the kids shows signs of duress, thankfully a doctor is there to save him. This is the main character of the show. We learn to call him Hank, well, because that's his name. He seems to prefer that to Dr.Lawson, as he tells everyone to just call him Hank. Hearing that the ambulance will take too long, he improvises and takes the kid in himself. While treating the kid, a millionaire hospital trustee is brought in w/heart problems. Hank tries to treat both but unfortunately the dude w/the bad ticker dies, and Hank gets sacked.

Being jobless, Hank's life begins to look like mine, sitting around drinking and watching shit television while bills pile up and your possessions get taken away. On top of that, his gold-digger fiance breaks up with him because he's not working and she's a bitch.

"Instead of Concierge Doctor I was thinking maybe Maitre D'oc."

Then we meet Hank's brother Evan who reminds Hank they are going to the Hamptons for the weekend. Upon Hank's refusal to leave the house, Evan convinces him to go.

While at a posh party, Hank witnesses a party goer in need of medical attention, being attended to by an older doctor known as the Concierge Doctor. Hank points out the doctor's misdiagnoses and starts running things like a military field doctor, improvising to save the patient. The house owner/party thrower, Boris, tries to repay Hank for his services, but Hank rejects, saying it was just the right thing to do. Boris offers him a position as his Concierge Doctor, but once again, Hank declines. While leaving the party, he finds the repayment given to him in the form of a bar of gold bullion.

Being this was only to be a "weekend vacation," Hank is awakened by an emergency call to come help save another life. We learn that news travels fast around the Hampton's as other calls begin to come in to Hank's phone. While Hank is off treating people in need of medical attention, Evan is back in their hotel room. Two women come to the room looking for Hank. This is when we meetDivya . She is a Physician's Assistant and wants Hank to hire her, and basically start his own Concierge Doctor business. Of course Evan is on board, but the two have a hard time convincing Hank, even after the phone calls keep coming in for his help.

Tending to a woman who called for Hank's help while at the local hospital, Hank crosses paths with Jill. He briefly met Jill while waiting for his car after the Hampton's party and learns she is the hospital administrator. The next day, she shows up at his hotel room and the two of them have a walk along the beach. Hank clearly falls for this chick, and starts to reconsider staying in the Hampton's and goes to talk to Boris about his prior offer to stay in the guest house as the Concierge Doctor.

Love means never having to say you're sandy.

This episode was great! It has everything! Humor, action, romance and drama. It would seem to appeal to those in the 18-45 age range, as it has young party goers, tween millionaires and rich heiresses. It hooked me in, and made me want to know what other kind of shit these dumb ass rich folks can get themselves into.

Teresadf



[Hyperion - I needed to know a little more from her.]

Hyperion: what do you think of Hank? What do you think of Evan?

Teresa: Well, I haven't really formed a relationship with either character. Evan is sexy and funny. Hank is very caring and easily the butt of jokes. They interact like i imagine brothers would, or best friends really. they both make fun of each other. Evan is the instigator, trying to talk Hank into this business he's unsure of.

Hyperion: What about that posh party?

Teresa: In their words, "This is where God would party, if he could get in." The show makes fun of the rich, but in a nonchalant way, not blatant.

Teresa: One woman calls Hank because she got a "flat tire" meaning one of her implants leaked and went flat.

Hyperion: Any thing you didn't like? Something out of place or trying too hard?

Teresa: Well, the young girl made a comment "Are you MacGyver?" - and how would she even know of him? LOL Everything else seemed pretty believable and well written.

Hyperion: I saw you Twittered a bunch of quotes during the broadcast. Did you have any favorites?

Teresa: The quote "I have no money,no job and my Saab is older than you" is what Hank said to one girl hitting on him at the party. "You look like an Olympic swimmer fromQueeristan" was a quote Hank said to Evan.

Teresa: Oh, my favorite: "It smells like a moose had sex w/Chinese food in here" Evan to Hank @ Hank's apt.

Hyperion: That seems like a good place to stop. Thanks for doing this for TV Warrior.

Teresa: When do I get paid?

Hyperion: Uh, let's talk about that later.


If you have a show you'd like to write about, drop me a line. If someone from Kentucky can do it, ANYONE can!

He still makes house calls....Beach-House calls! (Hey, you try it. This caption thing is harder than it looks. -H)