June 22 America's Got Talent--The Fan Girl Review by Alexis-Rueal

Tonight's episode is two hours long and takes place in Orlando and Portland. Oh, this was an epic tasty good two hours with freaks, geeks, touching tales, talent and epic fails galore. I am going to pull the very best and the epic fail worst from each hour. Hope you enjoy...

The Orlando Hour:

We started off with Frankie Elliston--19 and a waiter. He is going to try some magic with the judges. He asks Nick for help and Nick asks if it is dangerous--Nick doesn't like dangerous, but he'll help. (sucker)

Frankie takes a string and is putting it in his mouth and the goal is to have it come out another orface. He puts the string in his mouth and unbuttons his shirt some (the ladies squeal...) He ends up pulling the string out of HIS SIDE!!! WHAT THE HELL??? There was BLOOD on that damn string!!! Frankie asked Nick to confirm that was his skin--Nick about lost his lunch.

Howie and Piers loved it...sick and twisted as it was. Sharon was not as big of a fan and the vote was 2/3 yes's.

"My what the hell award" for the night: Erin Barylski-- athletic gymnast painter.(?) Yeah, I don't really know what to think of it, either. She paints her thighs and uses gymnastics skills to land on and paint canvas. Had to see it to believe it. But she got her ticket to Vegas. Sure.. why not.

The next act was a 16 year old Dutch boy named Simeon Mulder. He came dressed at Mozart and proceeded to play piano like him, too... damn, that kid is good. I was busy watching "X-Files" when I was 16. Piers said that he has more talent than any act he has seen this season. 3 yes's for this kid.

Wow, after last week, I was wondering if Orlando had talent. I am starting to feel better about this.

And then the freaks show up in the middle of the show. There were quite a few, but I think we have found our king here tonight--

The "epic fail of the decade" award goes to Fafo, "a boy scout that wants to work at hooters" if that tells you about his costume. This is a big boy (which I don't mind one bit) and he shows us everything he's got...yep, he stripped to the song "It's Raining Men." Two pairs of short shorts and he ended up in bikini underwear (I just threw up in my mouth again writing this). Oh, if you think that burns the corneas of your eyes, try watching him do a CARTWHEEL in those bikini underwear. I might not be able to sleep tonight after that.

Only one judges comment mattered here--
Piers (who didn't X): Fafo is "The SMALLEST talent that we have ever had in the history of this show." --snicker... he wasn't lyin'. Switch to boxers, Fafo...no need to show off your,uhm, shortcomings.

We end on a high and a low for this first hour of AGT--

Harmonik: This is a band made up of gentlemen who live in Miami but grew up in Haiti. They spoke about how the earthquake really destroyed everything their families' had down there and how they wanted to win this so they could go back and help re-build.

They performed "Hallelujah" and it was wonderful. They have wonderful harmonies and instrumental skills. The audience and the judges were touched and wowed by them. They got a 3 yes vote to Vegas.

Last for the evening was Sponjetta Parrish: no, really, that is her real name. Personally, I think mom and dad lost a bet, but who am I to judge?

Anyway, she is a "singer" who "writes her own songs"... she is also going to be as big as Alicia Keys and Beyonce. I sense foreshadowing of what's to come as I hear these statements.

She goes out and proceeds to "sing" one of her original pieces--"Studio". This song was pretty much comprised of the lyrics "I'll be up in my stu-dio, stu-dio. I'll be up in my stu-dioo."

This brought out the campy best in Nick and the gang. Nick was bopping along, railing against the judges for X'ing his girl, Sponjetta. The judges try to be polite with her, but have a rather tough time... after they say no, Nick comes back out and defends his girl. Tells everyone the mood isn't right and all. He makes the audience get up and he and Sponjy proceed to give "Studio" another go. Hella funny-- the judges are bopping along, Nick is shaking his money maker like its no one's business... and they still get X'd (again). I love how Nick and the judges become involved with the acts. It adds a level of campy fun to the proceedings and is entertaining as hell. The sad thing is, the judges, and us were left with that damn song ingrained in out minds. "Studio" is AGTs "Pants on the Ground."

The second hour took place in Portland, and this show looks like it is going to have a lovely combination of talent and freaks.

Start off with Magique Bazaar, an illusionist act. Kinda freaky, but I was interested. His masks changed every few seconds. I thought it was different and pretty good... until he fell off the stage. Damn. To add a little bit of salt to the wound, Piers didn't even know what was going on with the act. Harsh, Piers... harsh. Three no's from the judges.

A long list of freaks followed them... Portland living up to its reputation as a freaky paradise.

Finally get a taste of talent with Jeremy Vanschoonhoven, a horse shoer from Talent, OR. (you did read that correctly) He is a stunt bicyclist and he asked Nick to help him with the beginning of his performance. Nick, of course, said yes. He did fuss a little as he lay down on the ground, "How do they convince me to do this stuff?" Well, the only thing I can think of is it's hellagood money and Mariah has some expensive taste. SO MAN UP, NICK!

Jeremy begins by doing some major good tricks OVER NICK... Nick really coulda been hurt if this had gone to hell. It didn't, though, and Nick escaped unscathed. Jeremy performs his stunts, but falls once and gets an X from Piers. (heartless Bastard)Overall, this was a good performance, and Jeremy gets a 2/3 yes vote.

The "Epic Tasty Goodness Award" of the night goes to: Airpocalypse, an air guitar band. Oh, you name it, this group had it: mutton chops with trucker hat and red spandex (this outfit rivaled Fafo... really....), a guy in a furry vest and kilt and a dude with a pornstache that could rival (but not beat) Dan Stark's Stache from The Good Guys.

They started off with air "dueling banjos" and right before the crowd turned on them, proceeded to totally rock out-- though I don't know to what song... Sharon loved it, so I think it mighta been a Black Sabbath song. These guys were Cheese Whiz to the core, but I ate up every bit of it. The judges LOVED them--yes, even Piers, who donned a pair of light up red sunglasses and proclaimed to "get it" while doing a little air guitar shredding of his own.

These guys get 3 yes's... the fan girl is mighty pleased.

The most touching segment of tonight belonged to Conner Doran, a 16 year old epileptic who does indoor kite flying to help relax and focus on what he can do rather than what people say he can't do.

He performed to "Arms of an Angel" by Sara McLaughlin. It was spell-binding. No one in the audience dared breathe. It takes a lot of skill and timing and grace to get a kite to dance the way he made his dance.

Piers said that "it was one of the most extraordinary things I have ever watched." Howie said that it was "one of the most wonderful and unique things" he has seen, and Sharon thought it was perfect. Three yes's for this talented young man.

We also had a true American hero trying out tonight-- William Scott Anderson a soldier who served in Afghanistan and performed magic for children who were in the various military and Afghan hospitals.

William's trick was NICE. He has a very slick delivery and used his military background as a set-up for his trick. The trick itself was based on origami--with an assistant getting into a box that William proceeds to fold into a cube shape and impale with swords. He then unfolds the box and the assistant comes out.

The judges were impressed. Sharon said he had wonderful execution. Piers said he had a "brilliant" delivery, and Howie wanted to see him expand on the military usage in his act.

Three yes's for William. And as a special note: TV Warrior wants to give a special thanks to William and all our fighting men and women both home and abroad. We love you all.

The last performance of the night was 75 year old Sally Cohn, who performs (get ready for it) hand whistling. This chick is one cool customer. Her goal is to knock people "on their ass"... Rock on, sister.

She and Nick walk to the stage, and she proceeds to get a small block out of a bag on her walker to even out her leg length, and then she uses lip balm to lube her hands up... this is EPIC.

She plays "America the Beautiful," and she get Nick and Howie holding their hands over their heart in a patriotic salute. Then she LICKS.HER.HANDS. I wouldn't lie to you... she did it to re-lube. Piers and Howie are digging it, but Sharon (SHARON) X's Sally. What the hell?

Howie is ready to run off to Vegas with Sally. The judges wonder where she got the idea for licking her hands.... Nick runs on stage with his hand up. He encourages her to "Lick on." Oh, the funny just keeps rolling here.

We learn that Sally wrote a book on hand whistling. The judges want to know where they can buy it; Sally is ready for that one: "I don't peddle dope out of my walker, but I peddle books." She proceeds to take a book out... and Howie proceeds to buy one. To add even more fuel to this hot mess, Sally warms Howie to watch out what passages he reads: "the book isn't just about hand whistling." hehehe... we find out that this book is also Sally's coming out story. Good for her.

Howie, of course, said yes. Sharon was not as big of a fan of the talent (though she LOVED Sally), so she says no. Piers said he knows the title of Sally's next book--"Hand Whistling in Las Vegas."

All in all, this was a kick-ass night for "America's Got Talent." I am looking forward to Wednesday's episode. You all need to stop in, too... you won't be disappointed.

Til tomorrow-- MWAH!

(Fan-Girl confessor)