Still injured, which means not much writing happening. Sadly, it also means much more TV since I cannot go anywhere.

I take no responsibility for the following, which was educed in a fog of pain and too much ibuprofen.



Friday

The Clone Wars 1.5 - "Rookies"

There is so much to say about the new Star Wars cartoon. I wish more people were watching it. Tonight's episode focused on the clone soldiers. (Storm Troopers in later parlance.) It was fascinating to see how men who pretty much all look and sound alike could be so different. Also exciting: a gigantic eel, and best of all, even cooler than Super Battle Droids, Battle Droid Commandos, or as Hyperion likes to call them, Ninja Droids! Seriously: they were so fucking cool. Not that much smarter than the regular droids (with the same annoying habit of saying "Roger Roger" to their own detriment), but cool-looking nonetheless.

Also worth mentioning: I have grown accustomed to the people animation for the most part. It starts to seem more and more normal. Once exception: Obi-Wan Kenobi looks a LOT like a young Kris Kringle from those Claymation Santa Claus specials. What's up with that?

Separated at birth?

Crusoe

As I think I said last week, maybe if this show had come out in 1995, it would be seen as cool. Obviously the quality of a show is not the what, but the how. (I mean, if you think about it, Ellen's sitcom and Seinfeld were pretty much the same thing, in concept.) That said, it's the concept of Crusoe that NBC is hoping will be the draw. And I'm sorry, but after LOST, after PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, heck, even after Survivor, the bar is just too high. I can't see coming back for this one again.



Saturday


Random thoughts while flipping around all day long:


It looks like Penn State will be in the BCS Championship. Every year I threaten to not watch. Perhaps this will finally be the year.


Dude, the ending to Game 3 of the World Series was way stressful. Did anyone else stay up late? How much cooler was it that Tampa Bay (an American League team) was playing totally in an NL kind of way, producing runs any way they could, not to mention that their manager Joe Maddon, looks like he just stepped out of the 1950s. I haven't rooted for a baseball team in forever, but I just might become a Tampa Bay fan, because that guy is just so cute!

I could eat him up!

Somebody tell me: who was RAT RACE made for? Are you one of the people who enjoyed it? Someone did!



Sunday


In attempt to get out of my room for a short time, I crawled to the living room to be with my dad. He was watching the last half hour of PATCH ADAMS.

My brother gave me 7 pieces of advice before he moved on, and (I swear to Tengri), one of them was, "Do not ever watch PATCH ADAMS." I never asked him why; I just took his word on it.

Unfortunately, my dad is a big fan, and so there wasn't much chance he was going to turn it, and as it took so much effort to get out there in the first place, I was stuck.

As my father pointed out (though meaning it in a different manner), you can't judge a movie by the last half hour. You have to watch the whole thing, getting a feel for the fabric of the piece. Fair enough. However, just from what I watched.....[SPOILERS]

When I came in, Patch had just found out that someone (maybe he tried to help?) had just murdered 3 people, including Patch's secret girlfriend. This causes Patch to repudiate everything he believes in, hate the world, and quit doctoring. However, then he sees a butterfly, and totally changes his mind. (That's a pretty damn convenient butterfly.)

Also, there is a bizarre scene where a woman won't eat until she gets to wrassle in spaghetti. I swear I am not making that up, although I do admit I may have been delirious from pain. (Which raises the question: why would I hallucinate that? Old women in spaghetti? Is that my thing now?)

Anyway, maybe five minutes after he sees the butterfly (8 minutes with commercials), Patch is told he can't be a doctor because he's too happy. This leads to the oh-so-original courtroom scene where Robin Williams Patch Adams gives a ridiculous speech about how caring for people makes you a doctor, not actual knowledge, and how death is really no big deal and should be treated with dignity. (I'm with him on that, but didn't he just lose his shit a few minutes ago?)

Anyway, Patch gets to become a real doctor after all, though I can't help wonder why he would care, since the only thing that makes you a real doctor is caring, but whatever.

(You know, I love Robin Williams in most things he does, and when he's on, there is nobody funnier on the planet. Nobody. But the whole courtroom speech is so typical of Williams's attitude on real life matters, and the kind of fuzzy Liberal thinking that drives me nuts. I'm not talking politics here, but rather a world-view which declares "caring" to be more important than actual skill and accomplishment. And yes, I did not see the first 3/4 of the movie, so I'm not judging all of Patch Adams. I'm sure he's a wonderful doctor, and the other doctors sold poisoned milk to school children. But there is a reason they teach clinical detachment to doctors, isn't there? We all want them to care more, but isn't it true that in some cases a lack of objectivity leads to bad decision making? Can't there be room to make the excellent point that many doctors (and all of us) could show a lot more empathy to people without getting all Kum Bah Ya?)

Or maybe I'm just a Greg House kind of guy. I like my doctors broken and cynical, like me.

Speaking of which, after my dad went to bed my mom declared no more World Series, which was tolerable only because

A) The thought of getting up and slogging back to my room seemed excruciating and

B) The game was already out of hand


We ended up watching a House episode from Season 3. It's an excellent episode called "One Day, One Room." House gets stuck doing clinic duty and comes upon a girl named Eve who has an STD, which it turns out came from a rape. (Meanwhile Cameron deals with an old homeless man who wants to die in pain so someone will remember him.)

It's a very powerful episode, and if you're into watching House on USA or wherever else you find it, I recommend it. I told my mom (who violently disagrees), that I see the episode as more of a mirrored reflection of the Cameron and House characters, since the two guest characters they interact with don't seem quite real. (In that their actions don't seem believable to me. I think it's set up to look at what makes House and Cameron tick, as it were.) Anyone who's seen this episode and wants to discuss, I'm all for it, as many big issues come up.

Two random notes:

The girl Eve who was raped is played by Katheryn Winnick. I think she's pretty much just done guest spots, but she deserves an actual role on a TV show. She's terrific.

I just found out that Cameron's first name is Allison. How weird is that? Has anyone ever called her Allison? Or Ally? What if they do?


Okay, back to PATCH ADAMS for a minute. I'm not going to hate this time. I just have a question. At the end, when Patch graduates, he's listed as "Hunter Adams." I have to ask: if your name was as cool as Hunter, why would you go by Patch? Patch is pretty cool, if your name is Wilbur or Lloyd. But Hunter is badass, man!

I think it's time to go into Hunter-Gatherer Mode

I can't remember what day I watched it (when you're stuck in bed 24 hours a day, they all look alike), but at some point I saw STAY ALIVE on USA. I thought it was going to be a BeeGee's horror movie, but instead the flick revolves around a video game where--shock!--if you die in the virtual world, you will die in the real world IN JUST THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!

The movie didn't completely suck, as far as it goes, but I have to seriously question why I saw it at 10:00 in the freaking morning! I mean, I know it was PG-13 and probably edited down from that, but there was a good amount of blood, many murders, a good scare factor, and oh, did I metion IT WAS ON AT TEN IN THE MORNING??????

I don't think I'm a Puritan here, but isn't that a bit early for gore-and-more? Should horror movies run opposite Blues Clues? Should Dora the Explorer be Dora Dead on the Floor-a? (Admit it: that one's pretty good.)

Why aren't more people upset by this?



Okay, I'm either loopy or feeling bad, but I'm back to Patch Adams. Seems like the real dude was pretty cool, and I know I shouldn't judge until I've seen the movie, but how can I when my brother told me not too, and it's one of only 7 things he ever told me?

Anyway, apparently there is this poem that Patch recites to his girlfriend throughout the movie. It turns out to be a sonnet by Pablo Neruda. I like Neruda a lot. The only problem is, things in Spanish sound a lot more romantic than when translated. However, this one appears to translate pretty well, so I'll end with Pablo, since I clearly haven't been making sense since Friday night:




Sonnet XVII

Pablo Neruda


I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

I don't think I can say this strongly enough: the new Star Wars cartoon series "The Clone Wars" is freaking awesome, and any Star Wars fan staying away for any reason is a fool.

Episode 1.4 - "Destroy Malevolence"

This episode is the last in the three part "Malevolence" arc, and boy was it worth it. Each episode kept getting better and better, culminating with Padme getting taken hostage on a large enemy ship, Skywalker and Obi Wan sneaking on board to save her, Obi-Wan trying to destroy the hyper-drive, and R2D2/C3PO shenanigans.

Sound familiar?

In what had to be a fun homage/flashback, "Destroy Malevolence" delights in riffing down memory lane. Except, all this actually happened first. Go figure.

The "evil" battle droids continue to be hilarious. I don't care if they're only being used for comic relief. It works.


Padme - Wow. At first I wasn't sure I would like her (as NP doesn't do the voice), but her animation is beautiful, especially the face. Also: there is no possible way her pants could be any tighter. Let's just say she's a valuable "asset," and I hope she's a major character in this series.

Obi-Wan and Anakin had great interaction, as did Anakin and Padme. You can see how much Anakin loves Padme, which helps solidify the explanation for what he does in REVENGE OF THE SITH.

Couple other quick highlights:

When R2D@ rescues C3PO, the golden ponce exclaims, "Oh, R2! You're a sight for short circuits!"

There is a escalator/subway system that moves throughout Grevious's giant ship The Malevolence. It's really well constructed, and obviously took a lot of thought into not only what would make an exciting sequence (a small battle that takes place on the different "tracks"), but someone clearly sat down and thought about how people/droids would move around a ship the size of Rhode Island.

Anyway, at one point General Grevious is going to look for Padme, and he jumps off the moving track. As he stalks around we hear in the background, "Mind the gap."

It's the little details that make Star Wars such a joy.



Crusoe - I didn't see it Friday night, but I'm going to try to catch it on hulu, and then give a quick review. Why? Because I love you. Check back here later.

Update (5:27 pm)

I finally watched Crusoe




I think I had more fun coming up with analogies than I did watching the program. Actually, that isn't fair. Crusoe was perfectly entertaining dumb TV. Friday night is the right time for it. It's the kind of show that works if you have nothing better to do, or you need something to make fun of before going out. I found myself laughing out loud several times, only some of which were intentional (on the show's part).


Crusoe is like Pirates of the Caribbean without the Production Values.

Crusoe is like LOST without the mysticism

Crusoe is like The Swiss Family Robinson without the hot mom

Crusoe is like Gilligan's Island without Mrs. Howell. (You get the idea that even though Crusoe is stuck on an uninhabited desert island thousands of miles from anywhere, he will inexplicably run into humans on a weekly basis.

Crusoe is like McGuyver, without the homosexuality.

Actually, I take that back. There is a huge homoerotic vibe between Crusoe and the Savage "Friday" who is his friend. Call it "Brokeback Island." (If the show were to inexplicably become a big hit, I would expect SNL to jump on that sketch idea.)

There were some cool things in the two hour pilot. Crusoe is a whiz and inventing various contraptions. And there is a lot of flashback, where we (presumably) will eventually learn the big mystery that has this Eric Stoltz look-alike on the island. (In the flashbacks, Sam Neill plays his benefactor and Sean Bean plays his father, so there is some potential there, as why would you cast big names unless they are going to come into play?)


Georgina Rylance was nice to look at in the pilot. Too bad she won't be coming back, but at least it gave me an excuse to put her picture up.

Look, the show's not that great, but it's the kind of bad that's enjoyable. Does that make sense? Sort of a National Treasure bad. You don't worry about it too much. Actually, National Treasure is really entertaining. Hmmm... The show reminds me of Las Vegas.

You totally don't take it seriously. It's fairly mindless, and no one is (EVER) winning any awards.

But it's pretty to look at, and if you're bored on a Friday night, why not?

The third episode of the new Star Wars cartoon is a continuation of #2, in a three-part "Malevolence" arc. We find out more about General Grevious (a fascinating character), the ion cannon, and Anakin Skywalker.




The animated characters still take some getting used to. They're so different. but the ships, the explosion, and space? I can see it improving every episode. Some of the sequences in this episode left me breathless. At one point Skywalker and his squadron fly through a nebula, and come across these...I'm not sure. Giant manta-rays? They were epic, and beautiful and scary all at the same time. It made me wish that sequence had made one of the movies, but maybe the CGI would have been too difficult. It was really something.

I'm still not loving Anakin's padawan, Ahsoka. She annoys me. I realize she's there for the younger set, but I don't find her spunky. It's a small complaint, really. She's there for comic relief, but I continue to find the battle droids the funniest parts. Also, it's worth mentioning that watching Anakin's sense of social justice slowy turn dark is going to be a real treat that the movie didn't have time for (as the movies take place over only a few days at each pop.) It was fascinating to see how angry Anakin got over General Grievious's (ordered by Count Dooku) attempt to destroy the Clone hospital. If we excuse (not morally, but emotionally) Anakin's rage at the Sand People because of the situation with his mother, that means that from the end of ATTACK OF THE CLONES to Anakin's slaughter of the Jedi Babies he still has quite a ways to go turning evil. I really hope that's a big function of these cartoons.

Based on this third episode I am willing to change my initial statement of "any fan of the Star Wars movies should enjoy these cartoons" to:

ANY FAN OF STAR WARS IS A FOOL TO MISS THE CLONE WARS.

I said it.

It was about a year and a half ago when Koz called to tell me they were making a Star Wars cartoon, about the Clone Wars, which take place between Episode II and III. I was cautiously optimistic. I am a huge fan of the Star Wars movies, but other than playing with the toys as a kid, have never gotten into any of the other aspects to the franchise like books, RPGs, video games or actively hating things about Star Wars because I can't grasp how twenty years might change me more than it changed Lucas. (That's the last I will say on that subject today; I have written about it before, and probably will again.)

The series was officially going to be called "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Simple enough, until an IMDB search showed me there was already a cartoon series about the Clone Wars back in 2003!

Zuh?

(What else happened while I was up in Canada that you're not telling me about, America? Come clean!)

I soon figured out what was going on, and saw those cartoons on DVD. (For the record, they are called "Star Wars: Clone Wars." Note the lack of "the" in the title. Hmmm. More on that later.)

The reason I'm writing today is that "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" debuted Friday night on Cartoon Network, with encore episodes tonight and later in the week. I am writing these short reviews for people who were/are fans of the Star Wars films, so might be interested in a cartoon, but are hesitant about jumping into something that may be derivative work.

If that sounds like you, read on.

STAR WARS: CLONE WARS

I think we should start back with the 2003 series. It was developed and produced by Cartoon Network Studios (not LucasFilm), though I'm sure with Lucas's blessing. The series consisted of 25 episodes in three volumes. The first two volumes (twenty episodes) are each three minutes long. The final volume of five episodes is a little different, with each episode 12-15 minutes in length.

What can you do in three minutes? At first, it may not sound like much. Obviously these are not "character-driven" dramas. The first twenty episodes are mostly set-ups for battles. The last five are a little more complicated, featuring some character development and even two new bad guys. The animation is weird looking at first, definitely takes some getting used to, but grows on you. All of the voices are different except C-3PO, but to be honest there is not a lot of talking. Most of the plots involve fighting, and feature a variety of the characters, including Mace Windu and Yoda, and especially Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

Why am I taking the time to write this DVD up? I don't know what a non-Star Wars fan would think of them. The cartoons were designed for kids--not us, but kids--but not being a kid any more, I'm not sure what kids would think of them either. (My guess? = Love.)

What I do know is that they get better as they go, and I find them almost essential as a fan of the Star Wars movies. For one thing, it was this cartoon series (which debuted BEFORE Episode III) which introduces us to General Grievous. You know how in Episode III Grievous just shows up out of nowhere, and is slightly injured, and it's no big deal because you just roll with it, but it's a tiny bit confusing? All that confusion would have been avoided if I had seen these cartoons first.

More intriguing than Grievous is Asajj Ventress. She's Count Dooku's new Sith apprentice, and this is one badass Sith! I kind of wish she'd been a big character in REVENGE OF THE SITH.

Anyway, the bottom line is: you can watch both volumes (all twenty-five episodes) of "Star Wars: Clone Wars" in just over two hours. They're fun, frothy, and off-beat. If you ever wanted to watch Mace destroy an entire droid army in three minutes (without his light-saber), this is the place to do it. I think any fan of the movies would find these cartoons charming and fun. They may not live up to the films, but they are not supposed to.

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS (movie)

A few months ago it was announced there was going to be a new Star Wars movie. I discovered it was a lead in to this fall's new cartoon series. What differentiates this series is that LucasFilm is doing the animation and is more involved in the story. While I'm sure Lucas supplied ideas and signed off on everything in the 2003 work, I think it is more akin to The Animatrix than aligned in the Star Wars universe. If that makes sense. On the other hand, these new cartoons are canon, or so I gather. (Which is why they are called THE Clone Wars. Or maybe I'm being too definite in this article about definite articles.)

I cannot review the movie directly. I haven't seen most of it, though not from a lack of trying. I was sent a review copy, but it was in horrible shape, with the sound all messed up, which did not help with the experience. I do know the plot involves the kidnapping of Jabba the Hutt's little son Rotta. (Yes, it's true that as ugly as Jabba is, his son falls into the "Baby Animals Rule," and is adorable.)

I will say that from what I could gather, the movie felt much more like an extended pilot episode to the show. That would be cool if that's all you were looking for, but might be disappointing if all your "theater" experiences of Star Wars are more epic. (In this regard, it will probably play better on DVD, which is where all of you would end up seeing it anyway, since you didn't see it on the big screen.) There are several new characters introduced, including a new Padawan for Anakin, a spunky fourteen year old orange girl named Ahsoka Tano. I surmise she will be a much bigger character in the show While the episode introduces new characters and elements, it is completely unnecessary to understanding and enjoying the series.

Which brings us to....

THE CLONE WARS (TV series)

The first two episodes debuted Friday night. The reason I rushed to write this all up on a Sunday is that there are replays tonight from 9-10 and Wednesday from 7-8 (Normal Standard Time), with two new episodes every Friday at 8.

I have read several reviews online at various media sites, all pretty much trashing THE CLONE WARS as utter crap, or else consigning it as total kids' fluff. (And since reviews are not written for kids, this is just another way to slam Lucas.)

I read most of these reviews before I saw the first two episodes, and was kind of worried about the quality. Now that I've seen them, I think all of those critics should be sodomized.

By lightsaber.

I don't know what their deal is, but half of them aren't fans of Star Wars in the first place (in which case, why are you even reviewing it? Pass of the job to someone else. These cartoons were not made for non Star Wars fans, and ARE NOT the vehicle to bring in new fans. That is what the movies are for.), while the other half more interested in savaging Lucas and continuing their narrative that he has produced nothing good since that last party in Endor.

Reasonable people can disagree about the Second Holy Trilogy (people who are stupid idiots, anyway), but what frosts me is the "already-written" feel most reviewers brought into the show with them. I understand that mentality. Sometimes I find myself starting to write a review (in my head) before I even watch a film, and have to catch myself.

But here's the bottom line: The first two episodes of George Lucas's CLONE WARS were delightful, and I would recommend them to any Star Wars fan.

Yes, the show is written for children. But that's nothing new. What many people never quite understood is that the movies were written for children too. (This is why Yoda seemed so wonderful when you were younger but Jar-Jar seemed so annoying twenty years later. Well, partly why.) It does not matter who is the intended audience. Surely Harry Potter taught us that. What matter is the level of enjoyment, and I repeat my assertion that fans of Star Wars would enjoy this series.

The epic nature of Star Wars is obviously not there, not in twenty-two minute cartoons. The grim realities of the second trilogy are gone, even in a cartoon about war, as that would be inappropriate for a cartoon aimed at younger audiences. And the actors are not there, although some of the voices, like Samuel L. Jackson, are.

What is there is that whiz-bang sense of fun that Star Wars has always had. The battle droids have line after line that just cracked me up. Sure, they're cheesy, but all great Star Wars lines are cheesy! If you can't see that, you've missed the point. Plus, there's Yoda the Zen master, and you can never have too much of him.



The animation is different from the 2003 series, more 3-D and rendered, but still takes some getting used to. At times it looks downright human, and then at other times very odd. I think three or four episodes in all will seem normal.

CLONE WARS may not be essential, but it is absolutely added to my TV calendar, and I think you should consider it too. Maybe you'll just roll your eyes, but anyone with the heart of a wookie will likely throw back his head and yell, "Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!"

Hyperion
October 5, 2008