Oh, and we thought last night's season premiere of "America's Got Talent" was full of tasty goodness and freakish delights. Well... we were WRONG!!! Leave it to Texas to hammer that point home.
There were some epic fails in tonight's episode.
We might as well start off with the classiest contestant ever to grace the AGT stage: The genital daredevil. Yes... we keep it real here on the fan girl review. We knew it was going to be good when daredevil guy (Jeremy) asked for Nick's help and gave him a lighter. Nick looked less than pleased, but remembered how much money he makes doing this, so relented. (Mariah IS high maintenance, you know...)
On stage, it was perfection. We had trou dropping, a genital area being blocked out, judges buzzing (except for Howie, whom Nick was begging to hit the buzzer), and one genital area exploding. I sensed a great disturbance in the force as millions of men throughout the country crossed their legs at the same time and prayed their girlfriends and wives weren't taking notes. For some unknown reason, he didn't get sent to Vegas. Damn.
The madness didn't stop at genital guy, either (hell, that was the first 15 minutes or so). We had "Turkey Baster" guy, whose baster performed William Tell Overture failed to inspire, and Nancy LaFancy a self-confessed "sexy bee-otch" whose dance routine sent Nick to the ground in a mixture of shock and mirth.
My favorite of the bombs, though, was the "Lost Kardashian" girl. (I couldn't keep up with names tonight... too busy laughing my ass off). She, uhm.... sings(?). She performed "You're No Good"-- for Howie, and as Sharon so deftly put it "the only thing missing was the pole." She did get a tip from Howie, though; who forgot to carry cash and had to rely on an audience member for folding money to donate towards her retirement savings.
As a sidenote: I can't say it enough how I love the judges' and Nick's interactions with the contestants. There isn't really any spite in their responses. There is humor and entertainment.(sometimes their responses are more entertaining than the contestants) My favorite parts, though, are when the judges or Nick become an extension of the performance. Never fails to entertain me...
There were quite a few good performances tonight. The "Electrical Performance Group" Arc Attack was... marvelous. Thought I was going to throw out "electrifying", didn't you? Suckers. Really, though, a group of geeky guys playing instruments and one guy in head to toe metal conducting electricity in the middle of the stage was a sight to behold. I swear, I thought I saw Piers get a little turned on by the whole thing.
Erin Go Braughless (if I'm lyin', I'm dyin') was another tasty treat. She's a burlesque dancer, and a real woman... As a not-so-tiny chick, myself, I was happy to see Erin perform. And for a big girl.... she can move. I refuse to hate on the way she shakes her groove thang. At the end, she went and sat in Piers' lap to beg for a pass. Piers told her "It's a yes from me, baby." Had a little Austin Powers moment and I ate it up. I freakin' love British judges.
We also had Taylor Mathews, an 18 year old singer who was there with his father. He sang a beautiful rendition "Over the Rainbow". He has a very unique voice and is skilled with the guitar. I teared up slightly as his dad was overcome with emotion. It is lovely to see people's dreams come true. The judges were completely impressed and I sense a new teen-bop star in our midst.
My favorite two performances of the night belonged to a knife wielding,half-blind woman and an 11 year old "mini Eminem".
Half-blind chick is known as Ms. Donna and she can't see out of one eye, has no depth perception in the other--oh, and she flings about flaming samoan knives. Yes, indeed... the chance of seeing the judges fear for their lives brought a sick and twisted smile to my face. It was such a wonderful and daring bit, that they had to clear out the first few rows of audience members. Oh, yes they did... Ms. Donna performed and the judges and Nick ducked and prayed like there was no tomorrow. At the end, Howie just couldn't get over the fear for his safety to say yes, but Sharon and Piers decided to give her another shot. Here's hoping they keep their life insurance premiums paid.
Last, but certainly not least, was a little 11 year old rapper/dancer named CJ Dippa. Oh, this little guy is a PLAYA! He juggles the women, he has some virgin malt liquor hiding in his room. And he has been rapping for about 8 years. Nice. Little guy rappin' his ABCs. I can see it. Anyway, he performed a piece that he wrote and DAMN! if he didn't lay it down. Little dude has swagger AND talent. One of the judges compared him to Eminem and little dude replied "The only difference between me and Eminem is Eminem don't dance." Oh, SNAPalicious. Bring.It.On.America. That's what the Dippa was sayin' tonight. And America listened.
In review-- this season is Mmm Mmm hella good, and I can't wait for next week.
Til then, MWAH!