Oscar Diary

It is Monday, when my Weekend of Marthon Movie (and Movie-related shows) is over and I report back to tell all of you all about it.

Except, it's not over! Owing to major pain (and some side projects Koz came up with), I was held over for a second night at Koz and Teela's house. In fact, I'm here now, twenty 'til 8, simply exhausted, and wondering if I have the ability to get home afterward. Well, a problem for ten minutes from now.

The Movie Marathon day was a qualified success, as well as many other things you've come to expect from me. It will make for interesting reading (even if you don't like movies), but unfortunately I have not had time to write a single word of it. However, I did write a running commentary on the Oscars last night and I am going to share that with you today. I can't promise you'll like it, and you may not understand it all if you didn't watch, but I did my best to make it accisible.

It wasn't the great idea I thought it would be. I was so tired I couldn't bring my usual A game, and the Funny suffered. Koz was almost a no-show (both literally and figuratively), Teela was doing classwork, and their son Storm was no help either. (He's almost three: he should be popping off one liners by now. I would have.)

in fact, if it wasn't for Kaida over the phone I would have had nothing. We watched the red carpet walk before the show, and Kaida was in rare form, so much so that I asked her to stay during the oscars too.


so without further ado, here is the unedited completely raw transcript of my running commentary from last night. Tomorrow (provided I'm still alive) I will fill you in on Saturday, with movie reviews of all the Best Picture nominees I have not gotten to following later in the week.

(UGGGH! I just pasted and lost all my formatting changes (like bolding the times and speakers). I give up.)

HYPERION'S OSCAR JOURNAL

[Referring to Djimon Honsou, nominated for BLOOD DIAMOND]
Kaida: What is he wearing?
Hyperion: Djimon Honsou? Whatever it is he's the man.
Kaida: It looks like it's from the '70s. If he had rhinestones on it he could be a country music star. And what's up with that gray beard thing. Half of it's gray and half of it's dark. His whole head is shaved, he should just shave that off too. It just ages him so much….[pause] who the hell dressed this guy?

[Next, Jackie Earle Haley, nominated for LITTLE CHILDREN, steps onto the carpet. He happens to be bald]
Kaida: He reminds me of smeagol. They are showing things he used to do…he was on mcguyver…that's way cool. [Frankly I think looking like Gollum is cooler, but that’s just me.]

[On seeing anne Hathaway]
Kaida: there's your boob girl
Me: Why do you call her my boob girl?
Kaida: That was your favorite part of Brokeback Mountain
Me:No! I loved all the…uh…yeah, I guess you're right
Kaida: Gawd, her dress is just awful. It looks like she took something her Grandmother wore and stuck a hideous black bow on it. (Later one they came back to Anne, prompting Kaida to say, “Look, she’s covering her chest with her arms. Even she realizes how awful that dress is.)

[Jennifer Hudson walks by]
Me: Jennifer Hudson has quite the dilemma
Kaida: what do you mean?
Hyperion: Well, she has a great figure, but now that she's a Hollywood girl, there's going to be all this pressure on her to lose that weight, but if she does slim down, she'll lose those titties.
Kaida: everytime I have lost weight there was very little lost from my chest
Hyperion: do you want me to put that in?
Kaida: I don't care what you put in. I've got the best rack in the Barn anyway
Kaida: Jennifer Hudson doesn't look like she's comfortable in her dress.
Me: It's all about self-confidence.
Kaida: Maybe someone made fun of her. Maybe the dress is pinching her armpits

[Cate Blanchett shows up for the second time, in a gray dress we have previously discussed…]
Kaida: I don't know about her dress. The more I see it the more I like it. It's all metallic and iridescent. Why do you hate it so much?
Me: I hate asymmetrical dresses. They just bother me. A dress should have two straps or no straps.
Kaida: Ooh, look at Kate Winslett. She looks gorgeous! All Minty freshy (It's a green dress)
Kaida: queen Latifah looks good. I change my mind: she's got the best rack
Me: she's not in the Barn
Kaida: Well, behind the Barn, then
Me: Behind the Barn? That sounds like a new running Monkey Barn gag. You rule
Kaida: thank you

[Jennifer Lopez happens by, looking quite modest]
Kaida: There are going to be rumors tomorrow that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant
Me: why
Kaida: she had an empire waist. They're good for hiding baby bumps. I don't know if this is actually being said, because I have it on mute
Me: put the captions on
Kaida: I can't with this remote.
Me: go over to the TV
Kaida: It's all the way over there!
Me: Wait a minute, what does an empire waist mean?
Kaida: It means there is no waist, and the cinch is right up underneath the breast.
Me: I didn't know what it meant when you told me that before.
Kaida: What did you think it meant?
Me: I dunno. I thought it had something to do with Star Wars.

[Reese Witherspoon comes by looking smashing in purple]
Kaida: That dress. Her hair is too casual, but that dress….she looks like a grape
Me: No, even better, she looks like a grape popsicle
Kaida: I was saying she looks like a grape…she'd be fun to peel. But I guess you could lick a popsicle. Would you rather peel her or lick her?
Me (sensing a trap) No comment

Kaida Quick Hits:

Kaida on Nicole Kidman: “Look at that bow on her dress. If it were any tighter her head would pop off.”

Kaida on Beyonce: “She looks more like Showgirls than she does Dreamgirls.”

Kaida on Spike Lee: “He looks like the black George Burns.”

Kaida on Jessica Biel: “I guess it’s a little bit chilly in Hollywood right now.”

At this point the telecast actually started, but I didn’t get into things for awhile (and then I wished I hadn’t), because Koz and Teela returned, and they brought their son Storm, who is almost three. So, for the next half hour my attention was diverted while we played Hotwheels on the floor. However, I managed to write a few things down. Most of it’s not good, but since I promised stream-of-consciousness I am leaving it all in there, so you can see the good with the bad. I didn’t even correct spelling, grammar or spacing. (All comments are my thoughts unless attributed in conversation.)


8:36 p.m.
What the hell is Ellen wearing? She's never come across as Butch to me, but that outfit…is there a joke to it? She seems nervous. She makes a good joke about Americans being Seat Fillers this year, and how there are too many Brits. I think Ellen may run into the same problem Dave Letterman and even Jon Stewart had: they are used to connecting with audiences in a TV studio, a much more intimate set up than here. To deal with Hollywood you really need one of them, someone larger than life. If Billy Crystal absolutely refuses (and people are too scared to ask Robin Williams, for fear he’ll highjack the whole thing), we need to find someone powerful enough that he can make jokes at these people’s expense, but still be one of them.

Ellen’s best line so far: “It's not that we don't have time for long speeches, it's that we don't have time for boring speeches.”

8:42 p.m.
Ellen makes the first of many (I guarantee you) Al gore 2000 election references.
Ellen talks about recent disparaging remarks against gays, saying: “If there weren't blacks Jews and Gays there would be no Oscars…or anyone named Oscar.” Classic. I predict (although not because of Ellen) that there will be more than a few gay references tonight. By tomorrow Talk Radio will be up in arms.

8:50
There are announcers? What the hell? I don’t like that backstage gimmick. It feels so fake.

[Long Hotwheels break, where Pan’s Labrinth wins two Oscars, and yes, I know I spelled that wrong. I can’t ever seem to type it right.]

9:22
Alan Arkin just won Best Supporting Actor. My take on Little Miss Sunshine’s Acting nominations: They picked Alan Arkin because he’s a legend and because he gets the funniest (foul language) lines. They picked that little Abigail Breslin because she’s just too cute for words. But really, they picked two of them as a way to honor the entire cast. My pick would have been Steve Carrel, but I am not complaining here. (I will have a review of LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE later in the week, but for now suffice it to say every victory they get tonight will bring a smile to my face.)

9:31
James Taylor crooning something or other. I know I wrote about this Friday, but I have to say it again: How much better would this be if they showed the clip from where the song came from. I mean, James Taylor is the king of Pussy Rock and all (Man, I forgot I wasn't using that as a put down anymore. I mean Wussy Rock), but that performance has NOTHING to do with the movie CARS.

9:37
Leonardo DiCapprio and Al Gore show how much better they are than the rest of us because they care about Mother Earth. I swear to you: Green is the new red ribbon (ostentatiously displaying something to show you’re better, but not actually making any real difference). This is such a lovefest – Would anybody be shocked if Leo blows Al?

Leo keeps asking Al if he’s going to make an announcement, and Gore pulls out a piece of paper as if to announce, but the music swells (meaning your speech is running too long). That’s actually funny.

What’s not funny? Al Gore. He just has no timing whatsoever. Also sad is how he cozens up to these people, desperate to have something approaching Bill Clinton’s cachet with him. It’ll never happen. Obama might get that treatment, but never ol’ Lockbox.

9:44
Happy Feet just won the animated movie. That's two penguin movies in two years. I just bet Sean Hannity will be saying tomorrow it's part of the Liberal Agenda. Gay host (and the penguin was supposedly gay because he liked to dance and wore black to look slimming), and of course the Gore thing. There will be others. You watch.

9:45
Every time I hear "Academy Award Winner Ben Affleck I get upset. This will never cease to bother me. Has there been another career that went so far in the toilet so quickly? Well, maybe Britney. Actually, Ben should dump Jennifer Garner and hook up with Britney! It’d be the perfect storm. I already have a naMe:Britleck. (Bentley would work too.)

Affleck introduces us to a montage about movies with writers. I’m a writer and this is borring. Montages almost always slow this thing down.

9:49
Jack shaved his head? WTF!!! Kaida says he looks like me, but I have a goatee!

Helen Mirren is presenting. I'm glad they have the new trend of having nominees presenting BEFORE their category comes up. I still remember Robin Williams after he lost for DEAD POET'S SOCIETY, and how sad he was. Helen has an impressive rack, which reminds me of what Carlos said about Helen Mirren yesterday during the marathon. Should I spoil the surprise? Oh, I better not.

Tom Hanks and Helen are reading actual lines from the screenplays. That’s one of the worst ideas of all time.

10:05
Tom Cruise comes out with the Mission Impossible theme music. How much would you have paid to hear Patsy Cline's "Crazy" ?

10:08
Kaida says Ellen's gone from burgundy satin to Saturday night fever. I think Koz has disappeared, without contributing one single funny item. I’m sending his wife Teela to wake him up.

10:14
third win for Pan's labrythin (Dammit!) is this the best film of the year? Cinematography is a HUGE award! I must see it now

10:20
Robert Downy Jr. makes a drug reference on himself, about he he would have seen spiders climbing buildings in the mid ‘90s. In the mid '90s? How about six months ago.

Poseidon was nominated? I don't care how good the special effects are, if a movie sucks that much it should be banned from nominations. I feel very strongly about this. I mean, I know the special effects dude can't write the script, but they did choose to get on board, and they should have to stand by it. (Some movies get ruined in the details, but there was no way that film wasn't anything but Dead on Arrival)

10:23
Did that guy just shout out "Gore!" as the music swelled up?

10:26
DEATH TO ALL MONTAGES! (Editor’s Note: It would have helped if I had written down details, like what award did the guy who shouted “Gore” win for, and what montage I cursed here, but it was late and I was tired.)

10:30
Best Foreign Film – Is Pan's Labyrinth a foregone conclusion here? I say yes. BTW, while we're waiting for Pan to win (THEY DIDN'T!) How the fuck do you give Pan's Labyrinth three Oscars already and not the foreign language oscar? WTF??????. And this guy was already up there once! I can't even remember what I was going to say now.

10:36
Jennifer Hudson just thanked God for the second time, and Beyonce cried! Can I pay someone to see Dreamgirls for me? (Speaking of which, I will divulge this detail from the marathon day: I won the novelization of Dreamgirls in a Trivia Contest.)

10:43
I'm sorry, but the doc short and animated short do not need to be in the main program. I'm not saying those aren't films of merit, but they don't rank with these others and this SHOW IS SO BOORRING AND TAKING FOREVER!!!

10:45
Is Jerry Seinfeld trying to make a comeback?

10:48
Biggest shock of the night: Al Gore wins Best Documentary. Wait, I'm confused: did Al Gore invent Global Warming?

10:59
Celine Dion is singing, and not even one of the nominated songs. Make it stop! (Kaida defends her, but this is just blind Canadian jingoism. I once heard her defend The Littlest Hobo too, and that show would be too drecky for PAX or the Hallmark Channel.)

11:00
One hour left! And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. (A Bridge to Terribithea)

The dude Celine was singing to only speaks Italian (or else it’s a big joke on us). He just spoke for three paragraphs, and Clint Eastwood translates as, "He wants to thank the Academy." High Comedy point of the night. Is Clint a comedian?

11:06
Penelope, nominated for Volver (pronounced Voll-Vare), and Hugh Jackman, the Volverine. Groan. Babel wins best score. It would be sweet if this dude couldn't speak English too. I'm disappointed that he can.

11:13
Pan’s Labirynth has a Toad as big as a boar? I want to see Pan now but I (and Koz agrees) still hate the reading from the script. Soooooo lame.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE WINS A SECOND OSCAR! It's down to that or THE DEPARTED for Best Picture. When the screenplay splits between two best picture nominees, they usually are the two favorites. I wonder if they give Director to Scorsese (at this point almost a lock), and then give Best Picture to LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Prolly not, but wouldn’t that be interesting.

11:18
It's a sad night when the JC Penny's commercial for famous movie scenes is more entertaining than anything in the show. Koz is amazed that the SAY ANYTHING made the cut along with titans such as SINGING IN THE RAIN, MARY POPPINS and others.

11:21
Jennifer Hudson starts singing
Me: That girl has….back
Koz: And front. And side.
Me: Look at those things bounce

These DREAMGIRLS songs, just like the others are soooo borring! Remember when the songs meant something? A whole New World, Under the Sea, Can You Feel the Love Tonight, the Streets of Philadelphia. Now I'm reduced to pining for those golden oldies like "It's Hard out here for a pimp.” (Just look at the previous Best Original Song winners: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Academy_Award_for_Best_Original_Song)

11:29

Melissa Etheridge kisses and then thanks her “wife,” not partner. Sean Hannity is going to go nuts.
Koz says: Melissa has the best tux of the night

11:44
Jodie Foster comes out and (who has been calling me a sexist pig all night) says, "people with flat boobies should not wear dresses like that. They are flat and saggy and they should not wear them.” I guess I can order a whole passel for the Barn.

11:47
My favorite part of the evening: Two fist pumps to the heart time! (for each dead person you are going to miss)

One minute in I have to say: This is not a banner year for deaths.
Kaida: Too bad more quality people didn't die

Koz and my biggest fist pumps:
Jak Palance (didn't he die in CITY SLICKERS?)
Scotty
Don Knotts
Peter Boyle
Sydney Sheldon
Robert Altman

Sniff sniff

11:52
Phillip Seymour Hoffman comes out. Simultaneously Koz in person and Kaida on the phone speak out
Koz: What's up with his hair?
Kaida: That's appalling! Comb your fucking hair!

We continue to enjoy the pronunciation of Volver. I ask Koz and Kaida to think of words that rhyme with it. Koz sas "Vulva" and Kaida says he's rhyming at the beginning. "you're rhyme dyslexic."

Helen Mirren wins Best Actress. Everyone continues to talk about her rack. Koz points out she's over 60, and Kaida says, "60 year old rack is still a rack, it's just on a lower shelf."
Teela: Not if it's been lifted.
PS – What’s up with that thing at the end, “To the Queen” ????

12:00 a.m. (although technically, this should be p.m., but I will skip the latin lesson because it’s late and you’re tired.)
Okay, we should be over, right! No, three more to go. But Ellen is vacuuming up. Funny.

Reese Witherspoon is still hot in that purple dress (except for the hair), but the debate rages whether it should be a grape or a grape popsicle. I can no longer feel my legs.

12:04
My boy Forest Whitaker wins! I am so happy for him, although it's a tad bittersweet because I now have to take him off my list of "boys," like I finally did with Paul Giamatti when he started getting attention.

12:06
Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola come out to give the director award. That's a group. You know it's rigged, so they can give it to their boy Scorsese (else why have all three)
Koz: Francis Ford Coppola hasn't missed a meal since Apocalypse Now.

Scorsese wins! At the beginning of his speech he cuts the music and crowd off so he can speak: he's still directing! Kaida points out his first film was in 1953. How many people is he going to have to thank?

12:12
Diane Keaton comes out with Jack Nicholson for the last award. Yay! Diane’s hair is terrible, but Kaida doesn’t have the same virulent comments.
Me:Why aren't you upset that Diane Keaton didn't comb her hair? You're sexist.
Kaida: At least she's in a dress

12:14
How is it that Jack Nicholson, WHO IS IN THE DEPARTED, is allowed to read the winner? Is that not a set up? Last year there was that rumor that Brokeback Mountain actually won, but Jack pulled an audible and went, “Screw it, I like this one better,” and just said CRASH. I don’t know if that’s true, but you wouldn’t be shocked, right? And they let him announce for a movie he’s in?

Oh well. The right film won. I am happy. And so, so tired. Now I have hours to go to get this all posted. I know I’m supposed to end with pithy words, but I have them not, other than to vow that I will never do an Oscar diary again. In fact, I don’t think I’ll even watch this again unless it’s at a strip club. I’ve seen plays—honest to god plays—that were less boring than these Oscars.

G’night, folks. It’s time for me to become one of the Departed.