Kings of the TV Deck

So, I’m not entirely sure if Women on TV are going through a dry patch, or they’ve always had their deck quotient underrepresented. All I know is that if you take CURRENT TV characters (meaning on TV now, Ajax, you dolt), there weren’t a lot of women to choose from. Some asked why none of the Gilmore Girls were chosen. Have you seen this season? Rory has gone off the freaking deep end. ‘Nuff said.

Just the opposite problem when it came to the men. I initially whittled it down to 28, to cut to 10. Then I thought of 17 more, and the most I could cut down to was 21. So, with apologies to Bradley Cooper (next year, big guy), I am able to bring you the top twenty, split today and tomorrow

Honorable Mention: Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon (PTI) – These guys just argue for half an hour over sports, but I think it’s my favorite show. They make it so entertaining, so much so that my sister even watches with me from time to time. If there was any justice in the world they’d be on the actual list.


#20 JEFF PROBST (Survivor) – This may seem like a weird entry, but try running Survivor without him. I predict that as soon as he leaves the whole thing will go downhill immediately. He makes it look easy, and it ain’t. Plus, he scored with that one hot Survivor chick. Very deck.

#19 SANDY COHEN (The O.C.) – Seth may get most of the funny lines, but it’s Sandy who’s dealing off the top of the deck. First of all, his wife is the hottest woman on that show, and that’s saying something. (And don’t even think about arguing; it’s true.) Secondly, every other girl wants him; I’m sure Summer’s not to far behind. But perhaps the coolest thing Sandy is able to do is care about his family while not seeming like he’s on Touched by a Seventh Heaven or something.

#18 LEO McGARRY (West Wing) – A few years ago Leo would have cracked the top five. The show’s gone too far downhill for that, but Leo still brings the swagger, even after his heart attack. Did you check that blonde chick with the annoying voice (she does the Old Navy commercials now)? She wants him. That’s firepower.

#17 TURK (Scrubs) – I realize Scrubs isn’t on right now, but it’s coming back eventually, right? On a underrated show with funny people, Turk’s the deckest, and not because he’s black. Well, okay, not JUST because he’s black. The brother sang “Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t Care” in a Neil Diamond voice. That merits making my list.

#16 GREG (CSI) – You know what pisses me off? Sarah always rejects Greg, and why is that? Sarah is damaged goods, a total basket case. Greg, on the other hand, even impresses Grissom sometimes. Greg’s my boy, and should be on every CSI, even if they have to fly him in.

#15 EARL (My Name is Earl) – Only Jason Lee could pull off that great porn mustache and white-trash ethos and still be so deck. Have you checked out this show? You need to.

#14 MICHAEL SCOFIELD (Prison Break) – Here’s what I like about Michael: not only is he a genius, but he’s so cool under fire. Whenever guards or other inmates try to front him Michael refuses to back down. He’s one cool customer, which makes him very deck.

#13 STEWIE (Family Guy) – Anyone who can beat up Osama bin Laden and his henchmen with a rubber chicken gets my vote. I could write three paragraphs about Stewie, but see my review of the new FAMILY GUY movie

#12 JACK MALONE (Without a Trace) – When the show started Jack had just ended an affair with the scrumptious Poppy Montgomery. And even though she’s moved on, you know she still has the hots for him. But that’s beside the point. Malone just brings it. He has that quiet intensity about him, and a willingness to break the rules when it’s important to saving a kids’ life. Sounds like another Jack we may see later on.

#11 HURLEY (Lost) – Who doesn’t love this dude? He’s the epitome of cool. He never seems to get too frustrated, and when he does, it’s for a good reason. Everyone in camp loves him, as they should. The best fat guy since…hmm…that’s a good question. Sounds like I have another top ten list in the making.

#10 WARRICK BROWN (CSI) – It ain’t just cause he’s black, although everyone knows black people are cooler than white people. Warrick has this vibe about him. Even when he had a gambling problem, or when he fell for that heroin junkie, Warrick keeps it real.

#9 JACK BRISTOW (Alias) – Sydney’s dad is a good guy, and still scares me. There is no way this dude would ever be caught off guard, and nothing he’d stop at to help those he cares about.

#8 GRISSOM (CSI) – He’s weird. He collects bugs, licks bones, and generally ignores the world around him. Yet in his own way Grissom is even decker than Warrick and Greg, a real feat. He ignores the politics and does what he wants. Now if he’d just get down with that blonde hottie cop, and then make Sarah stay in the lab. Better yet, have her killed and declare the case unsolvable.

#7 AL SWEARENGEN (Deadwood) – I’ve recently come to see how deck Al is. The main reason is how much smarter he is than the others around him. Once you get into DEADWOOD you’ll see what I mean.

#6 JOHN LOCKE (Lost) – When I first thought of this list I thought Locke might be #1. That in the final analysis he falls to #6 is a testament to how tough this list is. (I want you punks to know I spent a lot of time thinking it over). Locke is the heart and soul of Lost Island (I wish I had a better name, but my readers let me down there). He had faith, he’s tough, he’s overcome so much, and he doesn’t even try to take the leadership from that punk and all around nancy boy Jack. That’s deck.

#5 TOMMY GAVIN (Rescue Me) – We all know how deck Denis Leary is. On RESCUE ME, his Tommy Gavin is even cooler. Playing an alcoholic cheating brawling lying, ghost-seeing and ghost-fighting, miserable SOB fire fighter, Gavin makes me want to run into a burning building.

#4 VICK MACKEY ( The Shield) – Again, how does Mackey not come out at #1? Regardless, he’s the bad ass cop with the cool leather jacket. Is he a good cop who does very bad things? Or a good cop who’s lost his way horribly? Who knows? As long as he looks good doing it.

#3 TONY SOPRANO (The Sopranos) – My ex girlfriend and my sister find this guy uber-hot (giving hope to fat guys everywhere). Is it the pot belly or the thinning hair? No, it’s the alpha-maleness. It’s the way he does something immediate when action is called for. He da man.

#2 JACK BAUER (24) – Speaking of Alpha Males, is there any doubt that Jack is the greatest law enforcement officer in history? Is there ANYTHING he won’t do to get the job done? Where’s James Bond? Bauer would rip him up while teaching MoneyPenny and M a thing or two.

#1 GREG HOUSE (HOUSE) – He’s miserable. He’s a drug addict. He’s a cripple. Everyone hates him. And yet, he’s the deckest guy around. Everyone cares about his opinion. His boss is still in love with him. His hot subordinate is in love with him. He Ex is freaking Sela Ward, Hyperion’s future wife. House is so deck he needs a new word. You know, there’s song that once had a DJ line that went, Jack-night and Dakota House….Maybe they were talking about him.

#0 HOMER SIMPSON – As if there’s any doubt.

This list was borrowed from another of Hyperion's sites: RANK EVERYTHING